Goddamn

Sorry, it turns out I'm bad at boasting about my personal exploits, at least in writing. This doesn't concern that, which is why I am able to write it. I think I may be depressed, which to me is a funny thing. The reason it's funny and not for a lack of a better word, depressing, is the considerations which have gone into it. I have been warned about the risk of it in my family, which I find extremely curious because I feel as if my reasons for being depressed lie in a philosophical realm. If the problem is genetic and the result of some trifling imbalance in my doubtless flawed mind than the things which I generate as a result of it seem irrelevant. Honestly, they would just be the sophist window dressing on a physiological, eminently correctable imbalance which has wrought unnecessary damage upon my family and myself.
I find that answer unsatisfying, both because it would suggest that any response I generate to my internal gloom to be fundamentally pointless and largely empty. Beyond that, it would suggest that the only reason genealogical friends (or family, to use an obligatory and unfeeling term) are depressed is because of that same predisposition. And I know that that isn't the case; that a family member has been depressed for more than genetic reasons. So therefore, I reject biological causation: because I find it incomplete and unsatisfying. It isn't a particularly scientific reason, but I will hold to it nonetheless.
I think that most people view me as optimistic, and that's a position I am happy to support. Pessimism is largely unproductive and doesn't make anyone feel better, so I try to dispel it even when things don't look particularly good. Call me duplicitous, I simply prefer people to not be sad. The problem I run into is that sometimes I think that people can be more productive when depressed. If that is the case, than there is no reason to dispel depression as it may in fact be helping. If I am in fact depressed and believing my own argument I may no longer persuade myself to optimism, because of the possibility that I can in fact do better in this state. The 'happy is better' argument I so often stand by is false and useless.
Thus I come to my present state. Still unemployed, unemployable; girlfriend-less, and undateable (not least of which because of thoughts like these). And why am I depressed? Not because of these rather depressing facts, no, but because I question my own value. Ah! you say, but that is because of the preceding conditions. Wrong, you crude bastard. While the external validation of these two issues may have distracted me from these questions retaining job and or girlfriend would do nothing to assuage the underlying issue. I know sad sacks with girlfriends and as a historian, idiots with very good jobs. The real question which remains is, what do I contribute?
I am a child of privilege, raised in supportive surroundings. I can say this with confidence because I was educated in sailing, golf, and tennis, and my family moved heaven and earth (and school districts) to improve my quality of education and character. Why did they do this? Because by sheer chance I was born to them, and had babies been un-knowingly swapped they would have raised another that way in my place. Sheer fucking luck then. So, as a result of my privilege, what have I done? I have traveled to quite a few places on my family's dime and read some rather good books. I didn't mean it that way but that's also a good description of college. I have succeeded in landing a series of internships at my fathers business, for reasons previously explained. All of this is normal for virtually every blessed child of my social strata. If they aren't upset about it, why am I? Perhaps the biological and environmental factors of my life have simply resulted in this situation, but I believe thoughtful analysis can do something for me nevertheless. I won't defend the concept of raison d'etre (reason for being) as that is exhaustive and has required centuries of philosophy. I will simply say that I believe that my life is a debt worth repaying, and that I need to do something as a result of my position. God knows I haven't yet, and maybe if I do enough in the peace corps or some such thing, the hole in me will be more full. I guess I just think the more potential you have the more of it you should realize, and that that is a responsibility, and not a privilege.
In brief Allison, that is why I signed up for envorg, but there are some serious environment related reasons as well.